Get Your 2025 Horoscope from AstroTrump

Pick your zodiac sign. Trump and the stars have all the answers.

Tremendously accurate. Yuuuge fun. Believe me.

Golden Words: The Best Reviews in the Galaxy

4.3 Billion Stars Can’t Lie

This horoscope? Finally, something cooked to perfection.

– Goretone Ramspie

AstroTrump says my stars are aligned. I’m suspicious. What’s the catch?

– David Larry

The stars wrote my next breakup song. Thanks, I guess.

– Tayla Drift

Crystal Ball Chronicles: AstroTrump’s Cosmic Hustle

The one song the universe can’t stop talking about.

AstroTrump’s blinged-out album cover with a cosmic vinyl record, floating money, and zodiac vibes—straight outta the universe.

🎧 Now Streaming: “Signs and Bills”

SIGNS AND BILLS

⭐ AstroTrump ⭐

🔮 Crystal ball lit, Trump’s in the zone

Astro turf suits, fortune’s on his throne

Horoscopes delivered, Twitter at his feet

Mystic vision pass, heat with every tweet

Donald in the stars, reading zodiac lines

Tweets your destiny, future in the signs

Pisces gets rich, Gemini in jail

Virgo’s new kick, Scorpio can’t bail

Tarot cards spread, fiery orange suit

Reads your love life, draped in gold loot

Planet alignments, astrologer in chief

Mystic hotline, bringing karma relief

Capricorn fame, Aries find the truth

Aquarius love, roam like a sleuth

Cancers heal pain, Leo’s get free reign

Libra balance life, fortune keeps you sane

Donald in the stars, reading zodiac lines

Tweets your destiny, future in the signs

Pisces gets rich, Gemini in jail

Virgo’s new kick, Scorpio can’t bail

Online mystics, fortune for a fee

Ask the Trump seer, what your fate be

Saturn’s rings shine, Mars in retrograde

Questions? You're Fired.

But here are the answers anyway, because I’m a generous guy.

Q: Is Supertramp connected to AstroTrump?

A: Oh, it’s connected. Big time. The band was originally named “Supertrump” — not a joke, folks. But the record label? Total disaster. They misprinted it as “Supertramp” when they signed the deal. One typo and BOOM — history changed. You can read the full cosmic screw-up right here. Should’ve stuck with Supertrump. Would’ve sold a billion records. 🎷🌌

Q: Are the stars rigged?

A: The stars are the best. The most honest. Rigging? Fake news. The stars love you, and they want you to succeed. Believe it!

Q: Can I sue the stars if my horoscope is wrong?

A: You could try, but the stars have better lawyers than you. Tremendous ones. And they don’t do refunds.

Q: Can the stars predict my love life?

A: Yes. The stars think you’re lovable. But only if you stop texting your ex.

Q: Is Mercury in retrograde messing with my life?

A: Look, Mercury in retrograde gets blamed for everything—emails, relationships, you name it. But guess what? The stars say it’s all about attitude. Be like me: unstoppable, even when planets moonwalk.

Q: What’s my lucky number?

A: It’s YUGE. The best number. But we can’t tell you yet—stars need more time to decide.

Q: Can I trust horoscopes more than my therapist?

A: Absolutely. The stars know more. Your therapist is guessing.

Q: Do stars favor certain signs?

A: The stars are impartial. Except for Leo. Leos are just built different.

Q: Are the stars spying on me?

A: Of course. They see everything. Especially that weird thing you did last Tuesday.

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